I’m still a day behind. I find I’m so exhausted by the end of the day that i would sooner go to sleep then sit up and try to write something insightful.
Our house is a complete pig sty with suitcases everywhere from our holiday. I focused on getting two rooms clean and tidy today. Plus I had to go grocery shopping and run other errands. The yard is a complete jungle also. But that is bound to happen when your away for a month.
Today I ate really well, and was proud of myself. However i tried my size 24 work pants on and they are so tight they are uncomfortable.
Additionally, my partner and I have made a commitment to less time on devices for us and our son, and a serious attempt to get our son eating fruit and vegetables (chicken chips, chocolate dessert puddings and jam toast) are about the extent of his diet at the moment, and a bedtime routine. So tonight after we had got our boy in the shower and dressed we ate dinner then did a puzzle and read a few stories. But he wasn’t having a bar of going to sleep. As it turned out i went to sleep and he ended up staying up with my partner.
Today we were up at 5 am to get ready and get to the airport by 7am for an international flight back to New Zealand. I hate flying and all aspects of it.
Got to the airport by 6.30 and checked our baggage in and then proceeded to fill in time until until boarding at 8.35am. I watched my son play an interactive kids game while my partner took photos of everything.
Finally we were due to board. We flew Emirates and i can’t fault their service. My son was naughty from the moment we boarded till arrival. We were given breakfast on the flight. Cheese omellet, yoghurt and a breadroll (Food is everywhere) which was quite enjoyable.
On arrival my partners mum and brother were there to greet us and that pissed me off to be honest. They knew we’d had a fallout in Australia so i kept conversation with them limited.
Finally we got home and i went on a binge eating about 20 danish shortbread bisciuts and a can of coke. For dinner i ate a whole pizza and half a garlic bread and 1 can of coke.
I am 2 days behind so i will do my best to recall.
I arrived in Sydney yesterday and was absolutely exhausted. I find flying stressful and tiring. definitely not a jetsetter. My partner and I wanted to see 2 things Madame Tussaud’s (i think that is how it is spelt) Wax Museum and Luna Park. So the day started about 9 am walking quite a way to the train station then catching a ferry to Luna Park we were there for about 4 hours before catching a ferry to another wharf where we walked to the wax museum. Then home again and by that time i was exhausted.
But today was junk food all day long. We ordered a large chips and four potato scallops on the ferry ride to Luna Park. When we got back to the hotel room I had a frozen coke, large chips and gravy from KFC, a vegetarian bagel and about 4 donuts.
I just feel so out of control and defeated. Why can’t I do what is best for my body and mental health. I know i have to lose weight and i know i am to critical about my appearance. I know when your on holidays your eating patterns change and people tend to overeat. I just worry that i will be overweight for the rest of my life.
I flew out of Mackay today, leaving my family. I haven’t had much time to reflect on that yet as the day has been so busy. I flew from Mackay to Brisbane and then Brisbane to Sydney. My partner picked me up from the airport and as soon as we got back to the motel the only thing I wanted to do was sleep.
Everything I have eaten has been takeaway and convenience things today. I just feel so out of control. When i arrived at the hotel i had a tin of lemonade and a box of shapes. I felt like shit (had a headache) and feeling unwell is one of my cues to binge. From there i had two large chips and gravy from KFC, 1 can solo, i small frozen solo and 3 Krespe Kreme donuts.
It’s almost as though I can feel the weight I’m putting on. I desperately want to get back to a routine so i can manage my health better. Isn’t it sad when you can’t look forward to holidays because you are terrified of losing control over your life.
I’m worried if I don’t reduce my weight then i will be sacked from my job. I have to dig deeper. I have to change my life.
Today has been rather sombre. I am going back to New Zealand tomorrow. So today is all about packing and getting organised. I have been pretty down today, constantly taunting myself in the mirror for being fat and useless.
I wish i could be someone who is truly confident in themselves and doesn’t care what others think. I hate the fact that i care so much about people i don’t know.
I’m disappointed in myself today. I thought I was doing well but during the evening i came undone. I only have one more day with my parents in Queensland before i fly down to Sydney so my mum and i went to see a movie, The Greatest Showman( which by the way is very good). It has been so long since i have seen a movie.
Mum and I brought 2 ice creams, and a small popcorn to share and i had a small frozen coke which was fine. I made my peace with this decision as i was seeing a movie and the treats were part of the experience.
After the movie we came home and went for a walk and tried to wear my son out so he would go to sleep early (he’s four). After this we came home i was parched so i had a lemon, lime bitter before tea. Then it was dinner time so i had a can of coke with veggies (i couldn’t eat my vegetarian sausages).
Then after that i had to wait for my son to go to sleep so i could have some cake and ice cream. I ended up falling asleep first and got woken up by my mum. So i got up and had my desert; 2 pieces of cake and 3 scoops of icecream and instead of being satisfied with that when i went down to bed i ate 13 of those funsize chocolates to the point that i literally couldn’t eat any more chocolate and then i fell asleep.
I know I was exhausted and being tired is a cue for me which often leads to binge eating. I am annoyed that i didn’t build in a pause before bingeing or try an alternate activity. These are the tools i have been taught to manage my recovery. Knowing about these tools is one thing but applying them in the moment is another thing altogether. When i started this year i told myself i was going to allow myself to fail. I have set myself a target of no more than 5 binges a month. This is not a cop-out but rather me trying to be realistic and to build in some wiggle room in my all or nothing thinking.
Fall seven, Rise Eight; a Japanese proverb. So tomorrow I will rise and will continue to shape my recovery.
I’m a day behind with this post, sometimes there is just not enough hours in the day. Where to start, today i have been fighting the urge to binge from morning to night. It has been damn near impossible to escape the urge. I believe it’s because I’m leaving my parents soon to go back to a life i’m unhappy with. I didn’t allow it to escalate into an hour-long binge where i’m racking through the cupboards examining every morsel. I weighed myself to and was heavier than i thought i would be. I don’t know why i weighed myself. I’d drunk about 5 litres of water (it’s really hot in Queensland). But the thought of putting on more weight with recovery terrifies me. I should just accept that if recovery means gaining weight instead of losing it then that’s ok. I guess i am living my life consciously know so i make decisions with a clear mind. Where as before i would just binge and say “I’ll start my diet tomorrow.” Why do i let my weight dictate my life. Why do i think i can’t succeed at the things i love because i’m overweight. Why do i think i have to be thin to enjoy success and have confidence.
Anyway what I’m saying is that weighing myself and seeing that i was 118.7kg instead of 117 set the stage for negative thoughts which produce feelings which drive the behaviours (CBT). So consciously or not weighing myself led to a number of negative thoughts and feelings which encouraged me to binge.